December 9th, 2016

Two years, two whole years have passed, I’d like to believe that they were the complete beginning to an amazing new future and sometimes that future feels an awful lot like the past. I have realized that being Gay, being completely open about my sexual orientation is a waltz without music. I’ll explain, the world changed, my world changed that cold December night and in 2015 when same-sex marriage became a step in total equality, the world stopped to watch as the United States gave a historical lead into human rights. It wasn’t long before the haters and the bigots came out to play and then complain about two people of the same sex, kissing, loving, and caring for one another. I find myself in the worst possible place to express to the world just who I am. There are those who are just like me and those who are not, all the screaming and loud noises makes it extremely difficult to hear your own voice. Activists and bigots attacking one another, unhealthy scars of resentment and hatred. I may not be able to share the exact night that I came out to the world, some people use social media and others shout it to the world, maybe I follow, trying the same story, but I never get the same result. Maybe nobody cares, really cares, you know the kind where someone would use their own shirt to bandage someone else’s wound while another person came up to spit in their face. I came out a little bitter, a little jaded, and yet here I am, a Gay hopeless romantic. That night was one day in a month or two that I should enjoy forgetting. I’m bitter about being myself because others left scars, deep scars where there should of only of been love. It’s somehow always been this openly awkward scar that won’t ever heal. Time and time again people say that they’ll change, new experience sometimes makes new people, if only for a time. Yet people around here are still disgruntled, they hold onto their homophobia like they hold onto their racism, subtle and guarded, but hatred lives in them nonetheless and it never leaves. Today is a close reminder of how much I am still suffering beyond being myself, living around ignorance, hatred, and bigotry. I am the painful reminder that to be myself, I must suffer with the reality that my world does not fit into the reality of the world I was born into and raised in. People mention how dramatic that makes me that I’m exaggerating, that I’m wasting my time and that I deserve the pain because I haven’t done anything about it. To my own perspective, being yourself is abnormal to others, what makes you different in respects to race, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation makes you a an outsider to those who make up societal norms and majority. It’s my best hope that in due time, everything will continue to change for the better and that when we have future discussions we won’t have to label ourselves for others to ridicule, we can just be ourselves.  

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